Never Lose Sight of What is Most Important

Before the Navy was a part of our lives

The past couple of weeks have been really rough.
I haven't been feeling very well, and I've been in those "blah" moods lately. A couple of days ago, both of my roommates were in their rooms napping, and I was sitting in our living room. Absentmindedly,I felt like doing absolutely nothing. I was tired, but I didn't feel like sleeping. Television or Facebook sparked no interest in my mind, and neither did going out. For nearly three hours, I sat on our love seat staring at our room and thinking. 
My mind was occupied by everything that has been bothering me lately, and that's what this entire post is about. I'm sharing two of my biggest issues.


My first concern/complain is: I don't know if I'm happy with where I am right now. Part of me is ecstatic beyond words to be on my own in college. The other part is dreading my classes, and missing the ones I love. The vast majority of people don't like going to classes, so what am I so worked up for? Stress is killing me. I feel so busy that I can barely lift my head out of the density for fresh air. If there is one think that I have learned, it's that responsibility sucks. I have become a perfectionist with my schoolwork. There's another problem. (Goldilocks couldn't be happy with some porridge that was a little chilly, or a tad bit too warm. All she had to do was NUKE IT! or BLOW ON IT! But no... She had to wait until she got the perfect temperature dinner until she was happy.) Why can't I just settle instead of reconstructing every project five times?! On a happier note, I love being here. Central Michigan University has the most comforting environment imaginable, and I have met some wonderful people. My negativity has just began to override my happiness, and it needs to get out of my way!


My second , and most important complain/concern is: I feel so distant from Zach. We don't get to talk as often as I would like, but some of this can be prevented on his end. He is constantly falling asleep before he gets a chance to call me at night. I know that he's tired, and I can understand that working can take a lot out of someone. That just happens a lot, so I feel like I don't get to talk to him as often as I could be. Also, since I haven't been feeling good lately, I feel way more vulnerable. Emotional sicknesses are the worst because it takes more than just two teaspoons of cough syrup to cure. I would give anything for Zach to be here to lay with me. Another reason why I'm feeling so distant from him is because he hates his job on the ship right now. He's cranking (which means he's working in the kitchen). With his job, there's nothing for him to do when they aren't on deployment, so they stuck him with this duty for a few months. Every day he complains about how annoying it is, and I really think that it's affecting his personal life as well. He has been acting a little different since they started him on this job, and it's worrying me. He doesn't keep in contact with his family as much as he used to, he gets irritated very easily, and he doesn't do as many cute things for me like he used to.


Last night, he called me, and we talked until 4:30 this morning. We had the most in-depth heart to heart conversation that we have had in a while. I admitted to him that I'm weary about his personality altering. Following my explanation, he replied by saying "I know I have. I've noticed it too." After he said that, I started a speech that went something like this:
On a daily basis I think about what this separation is leading up to. I'm suffering through lectures and pounds of homework so one day I can do what I've always wanted to do; become a teacher. This stupid cranking business that they're making you do isn't going to last much longer, and then you'll be out on deployment doing the job that you love to do. Then in a few years, you'll be able to come home to me every night, and you will look back on the rough patch you're having right now with nothing but a smile on your face. None of this will matter in several years when we're married, and squeezed next to our beautiful children on the couch. This part of your career is the tiniest fraction of your life. Always let the positives outweigh the negatives. Never let something so small take over who you are. I fell in love with the man who didn't take crap from anyone. I fell in love with the guy who never let anything get in the way of his happiness. I fell in love with you because you never lose sight of what is most important to you. 


When we finally decided we should probably get some sleep, I hung up the phone, and I started thinking again. Why would I give him that advice when I am not practicing it myself? It wasn't just him having issues with changing, it was me too. I have let the stress pile on top of my head, and I haven't been as understanding and caring as I should be. It's scary when epiphanies seem to creep up on you. 


I began writing this post at 12:27A.M. It's now 3:01A.M. As I was writing this, my mind continued to drift into a new thought every ten seconds. I have no idea why I've been thinking  so much lately, but my deserves a nice rest.